100% Aerodynamic
SCROLL FOR LORE
Secret Code: ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A
Phase 1: The Gnome Era
Historians agree that pre-2015, Oscar was approximately the size of a standard garden gnome. He used a thimble as a coffee mug and feared strong breezes.
Phase 2: The Serum
Then, the doctors prescribed "The Medication." It was basically Captain America juice. He grew 2 feet in 2 weeks. His bones crackle like glowsticks now.
Fig 1.1: Vertical Velocity > Terminal Velocity
"It's not a phase, mum. It's a lifestyle."
[Rain. A hot woman appears. Gothscar panics.]
Gothscar: "Hey. I—I like your… aura. It’s very... aggressively alive. Sometimes I wear black so the shadows know I’m one of them."
Hot Woman: "...What?"
Gothscar: "I’m Gothscar. Like Oscar, but goth. I once wrote a poem about my dead goldfish. It was titled ‘Flushed Emotions.’ Get it? Because he died. And I flushed him. But the pain stayed."
Hot Woman: (Puts in headphones) "...Bye."
STATUS: REJECTED BY SOCIETY (AND A WOMAN).
[2 AM. Pound Shop. Cart contains: 3 black candles, 1 jumbo lollipop, and 8 packs of instant noodles.]
Gothscar: (Stroking a plastic skull) "We are kindred spirits, Gerald. You are me without the skin suit of societal expectation."
Cashier: "That'll be £12.34."
Gothscar: "I only brought £10. And a dead dream. ...Take Gerald. He deserves a better home. Maybe one that believes in love."
STATUS: GERALD WAS LEFT BEHIND. NEVER FORGET.
[Cereal Aisle. Holding 'Happy Puffs'.]
Gothscar: "Why do they even sell this? No one who eats this is happy. WHERE’S THE CEREAL FOR PEOPLE WHO STARE INTO THE VOID?! Where are the flakes of despair?!"
Employee: "Sir... do you need help?"
Gothscar: "My best friend is a skeleton named Gerald! I haven’t blinked in three days!! I demand an emotional support cereal!!"
STATUS: BANNED FROM TESCO.
What struggle will Oscar face today?
Are you worthy of entering the V.I.P (Very Impressive Person) lounge?
MISSION: FEED THE STICK
METABOLISM: UNGODLY
STATUS: HUNGRY
Calories
0
Warning: He burns 5000 calories just by blinking.
2D OBJECT
If he turns sideways, he legally ceases to exist in our dimension. He can slide under closed doors.
CHAOS & RED BULL
Powered by anxiety and sugar. Doctors are afraid to scan him.
404 ERROR
Genius level intellect, but forgets how to sit in chairs correctly. Will trip over wireless signals.
Light a candle for every kg of muscle he doesn't have.
Current Prayers: 0
Do not click the button. Serious consequences.
Gone, but also... kinda still here?
2002 - 2025
"He tried to look cool jumping over a puddle. He failed."
User: GeraldTheSkeleton
"He left me at the pound shop. I thought we had something special. 💀"
User: SlenderMan
"Honestly, I feel threatened by his silhouette. He's stealing my brand."
User: LocalWindGust
"I tried to blow him over but he just turned sideways and I missed."
User: JeansManufacturer
"We don't make sizes like this. We simply cannot do it. Physics does not allow it."
User: Grandma
"PLEASE EAT A SANDWICH OSCAR I AM BEGGING YOU"